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SHUT UP [16 Dec 2003|02:50am]

SO last night i was watching tv and i felt a virus go into me and i coughed real hard all night and all morning
so i am gunna stay in for a while
so nothing happened today unless you want to know what happened on gilligans island
i made a list of some of my faveorite things
REMEMBER i am very against anything not included in my faveorite things lists!

bird calls, tap dancing, exercise lessons, transcriptions of senate committee hearings, the theme music from monster movies played on easy-to-operate hand-wound victrolas.

Hand cranked penny arcade machiense which contain

classic films like Dempsey-Firpo flight and Tom Mix pre-adult westerns.

Roller Derby news, The Pre-civil war congressional record, old tom swift books and back copies of classafied telephone directories.

straight jackets, glamorous opera capes, light weight pith helmets which offer good protection in bad weather and provide storage space for the day's lichee nuts.

Ant farms, anteaters, falcons, leeches, octopi,anchovies,water buffaloes and preforming fleas.

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Psychiatrist Visit. [09 Feb 2003|12:52am]

A guy had been depressed for months, and his friends finally convinced him to see a psychiatrist.

He entered the office, lay on the couch, spilled his guts for an hour. Finally, he waited for the psychiatrist's comments.

The psychiatrist nodded as if understanding him completely. "I think your problem is low self-esteem. It is very common among losers."
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Because religious people are funny [12 Nov 2002|10:30pm]

[ mood | amused ]

Lost on a rainy night, a nun stumbled across a monastery and requested shelter there. Fortunately, she was just in time for dinner and was treated to the best fish and chips she'd ever had.

After dinner, she went into the kitchen to thank the chefs. She was met by two brothers, and one of them offered introductions. "Hello. I'm Brother Michael, and this is Brother Charles."

"I¹m very pleased to meet you," the nun replied. "I just wanted to thank you for a wonderful dinner. The fish and chips were the best I've ever tasted.

"Out of curiosity, who cooked which?"

Brother Charles replied "Well, I'm the fish friar."

She turned to the other brother and said "Then you must be...?"

"Yes, I'm afraid I'm the chip monk."

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Ha! This community still lives! [03 Nov 2002|01:34am]

[ mood | amused ]

A string walks into a bar, the bartender says, "Sorry we dont serve strings here."

The string walks out and messes up its tassles and walks back in again.

"Hey!" says the bartender, "Aren't you the string that was in here a few moments ago?"

"No," says the string, "I'm a frayed knot."

And now something offensive as well as bad:

Q. "Why do they call it PMS?"
A. "Because the name 'Mad Cow Disease' was already taken."

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Another contribution... [21 Jul 2002|07:43pm]

[ mood | tired ]

The woman was on the verge of death. She asked her seven children to
leave the room, and she was left alone with her husband. She said:

"I have something to confess..."


"You know our seventh child, little Joe?..."

"He's not mine?!..."

"No, he is yours."


I got this and a number of other humorous bits off of


Fairly spiffy spot for some old and bad jokes.
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beatings and salutations [20 Jul 2002|07:32pm]

Wow, after weeks of no one else matching this in my interest list...
Good to be here!


A man walks into a bar, and orders four shots of vodka. The bartender asks what's up that he's drinking so much.

"I just found out my little brother is gay," is the man's reply as he begins to slam them down.

A couple of days later, the same man comes back, and orders eight shots of vodka, the bartender asks what's happened this time...

"I just found out my older brother is gay too!"

The man proceeds to stagger out after his drinks, but returns once more a couple of days later. He orders a dozen shots of vodka.

"Christ, doesn't anyone in your family fuck women?" asks the bartender.

"Yes, my wife."


Three drunk Irishmen walked into a bar. If they'd been sober, they would've ducked.
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Not old but good [11 Jul 2002|10:14pm]

[ mood | impressed ]

The attrition.org has the best collection of internet distributed image humor I have found. It's culled pretty well and very easy to access. The site is zippy, for now. It has all of the "priceless" parodies, celebrity mug shots, and demotivations you could ever want. Look under image gallery. Rest of the site is very good too. The British always seem to do these things well.


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Ten by Henny Youngman [11 Jul 2002|12:05am]

[ mood | drunk ]

1. "A guy calls his lawyer. He says, 'Can I ask you two questions?' Lawyer says, 'What's the second one?'"

2. "Two guys in a gym, one putting on a girdle. One guys says, 'Since when have you been wearing a girdle?' Other guy says, 'Since my wife found it in the glove compartment of our car.'"

3. "My doctor told me I was fat. I said I wanted a second opinion. He said, 'OK, you're ugly, too.'"

4. A woman says to a man, "I haven't seen you around here."
"Yes, I just got out of jail for killing my wife."
"So you're single."

5. I've been in love with the same woman for 49 years. If my wife ever finds out, she'll kill me!

6. I take my wife everywhere, but she keeps finding her way back.

7. My wife will buy anything marked down. Last year she bought an escalator.

8. My wife told me the car wasn't running well, there was water in the carburetor. I asked where the car was, and she told me it was in the lake.

9. My wife got a mudpack and looked great for two days. Then the mud fell off.

10. I just returned from a pleasure trip. I took my mother-in-law to the airport.

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